I am STILL thinking about this. (re last night's post) And as I say, it's not so much the fact that this student switched teachers as the fact that she, and her mother, weren't honest about it. They could have just told me they were switching. And as I type this, it seems stupid and ridiculous to dwell on it... is that my vitamins kicking in?

Ehhh... the second I get off the computer I'll be right back to dwelling on it. XP

Good luck on your dress, Aku! I wish I could come over and help you with it. If I had more than one hour free today I totally would, but alas, I'll be using that time to go to Walgreens. ^~

I also hope the puppy has stopped eating her leash, and that the fourth graders are brilliant. ^^ Damn, I need coffee.

So the LJ was dumb and didn't let me gripe earlier, which is probably fine, even though it means you missed out on the story about the flasher. I'll try to post it again later.

But for right now, I just want to vent. I updated the calendar to reflect today's madness, so check it out...

I totally understand when students want to change teachers. I'm actually coming to terms with it. I don't mind it so much anymore. Except when someone lies to me, tells me they're having money problems and they have to stop... and then I find out they're taking from another teacher. And, see, that just sucks. It's like, what, do you think I'm not going to understand?  I've been there! I know when I'm not teaching you things. I know what it's like to feel like you just want to change teachers. I get it. So just tell me, okay?

It's totally not the thing I want to see when I get home after a fourteen hour work day. ><

GAHHH! LJ WON'T LET ME POST MY BRILLIANT GRIPING JOURNAL ENTRY!!

It must be the universe out to get me.

I've been strongly resisting the urge to call everyone under the sun and complain about how busy/tired I am. And so far I've been good. But dear God. I sat down and thought about how insane this week is, and how insane I am for thinking it was going to be fine, and I'm just laughing at myself. So I did the following. It's not pretty.

( Oh the madness! )

...And it's only Tuesday.

So, I went to see my brother's musical today. It's his senior year, and he and his friends and his classmates and all of them are getting ready to graduate in about a month (!!!) and I have known most of them since they were little kids. And their musical this year was Once on this Island, and it was pretty spectacular. I mean, from minute one, I was sitting there watching all of these kids that I'd taught, that I'd worked with, one after another, getting up and singing, and acting, and dancing, and each one made me want to cry even more.

So what finally broke me? It wasn't actually my brother. My dad showed me that moment about an hour before we went to the show, so I knew what was coming. No, it was after that, when the 10-year-old girl got up and sang. She'd been one of my students too, for a little while, and Mom had told me she struggled with her part, but she sounded pretty darn good and I just lost it.

I cried the most at two parts: one, during "Human Heart," which is about the most gorgeous song I've ever heard, and at the end, when they're throwing coins at the gate, and Daniel (my brother) put the coin in Ti Moune's hand-- and I just SOBBED. I was like, dood, that's HORRIBLE!

And then she turns into a tree. Which is a little silly, but there it is.

Then, because my life is a silly, silly thing, I went to the middle school musical, which was also today. The one that I choreographed. And they nailed all of the dance numbers. I was so very impressed. The show was pretty darn good, considering it's a middle school production of Guys and Dolls, and most of the guys didn't want to have anything to do with the girls-- at least not that way. But the cast was pretty awesome-- they bonded really well, were competent and listened during rehearsal, and they did everything I ever told them to do. I'm like, what are you guys? Pod people? This isn't middle school behavior!

Whatever. I have a pretty awesome job, y'know?

So, whine kvetch complain, I have an "almost cold" that got me into bed at 9pm tonight. And I thought, hey, since I'm making myself go to bed early, I'll bring my laptop upstairs. That way if someone's around, they could help me RP the last part of Bod's application and get it submitted!! But alas, it is not to be-- I've had the laptop up here since 8, and now it's 10 and I'm tired and feel crappy, so I am going to sleep. And I have seen no one all evening. So my app isn't done, and won't be done until next week, because tomorrow I won't be home until 10 or later, and Friday I'm doing things, and then we have FIVE PERFORMANCES OF ANNIE this weekend. @.@

So, poor Bod... still waiting for life... *sigh*  The sick-and-melodramatic part of my brain is going, "See? You were silly to think you could make this rp thing work!  This is fate-- if it were meant to be, someone would have been around..."  But again, I'm sick and melodramatic. Which is why I'm going to bed.

It's funny, because as I'm typing this, I'm mostly joking complaining... and knowing me, I probably sound super serious and all morbid and morose and shit. So not true.

Okay, where the hell is that community? That eterni-whatsit thing that you've all made me want to join? I tried to find it through your profiles, but, shock, everyone has a SEPARATE SCREEN NAME for the comm...

Okay, I vanished for a long time and stuff happened, but OMG you have to watch this.

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=2021569

IMN FTW. OMG. The boy is mad ridiculous and I seriously laughed my head off.

How did I find this video? It's a weird and twisted story involving River Phoenix, Brad Renfro, Josh Hutcherson and Reece Thompson. What do they all have in common? Nobody Owens. I'm looking for a person to be the actor who plays a potential character in a game my friends are involved with. My choice is Reece. He's cute and he even has the gray eyes already. AND, who's friended him on his MySpace? My good buddy Jason Mraz. Which is where I found the video.

Reece's Jitta was entertaining too.  Not gonna lie, the intro made me doubt its genius, but the bit in the middle, the "Mischa. Mischa Barton." and the eye roll was just way too classic. Plus, wouldn't you like to be that kid at home with the camera who has Mischa Barton want to be in your silly low-budget made-for-MySpace movie?

...don't think too hard about that one, kay?

Since I haven't posted in two weeks, and I probably look like I fell off the face of the planet...

I somehow managed to get suckered into choreographing Guys and Dolls. All of it. I said I could maybe squeeze in a number or two. @.@ Not that I will say that I didn't want to do it, because I did. I like doing the middle school musicals. But still. My college auditions are this weekend and next weekend, and so long as I don't succumb to my own low self-esteem, I think they'll go pretty well. I hope they will.

Playing the piano for Annie has been going fine. However, me bragging about how good my hands were holding up was, in fact, the proverbial kiss of death; the thumb on my right hand has swelled up and is not too happy with me. It's better than yesterday, however, typing is aggravating it some.

I also have been having trouble sleeping. Well, more like trouble getting myself to go to bed. Sigh. At least it has proven to be a very good thing that I broke up with the guy I was dating; first he freaked out with this whole "I don't want to lose you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you" thing, and now he's all trying to make me jealous by telling me about these other girls he's dating. Or something. I'm like, good! Maybe you'll go marry one of them and leave me alone. The end.

I'm hungry, but I refuse to eat after 10pm now. Except for Thursday, if I can help it. But if I'm hungry, I'm not going to want to sleep... damn! Maybe I'll make some toast and tea. That'll work, right?

Spent a very quiet day at home by myself today. I thought I'd get restless and weird, but other than that depressing stint of reading "The Virgin Suicides" again, it was a pretty good day. Had some mad Scarlet Pimpernel action. God that movie's entertaining.

kay I'm done now. But if anyone wants to hear me brag about my brother's college audition going super well, I'd be more than happy to oblige.

I have been having, generally, a good couple of weeks. Everything's been pretty chill. I've been doing fun and enjoyable things. Granted, I'm a little over-tired, but they keep having "Inclement weather days" so I can't say I haven't gotten any rest or downtime in. And yesterday's bride walk, while perhaps a bit time consuming, was actually pretty interesting and fun-- being grunt labor meant that I didn't have to answer that "When's your date?" question a million times. XD 

So the real question is, why am I so stressed out? And, really, I know the answer, but... still. I wish I wasn't such a freak. *pouts*

You'd think that, with all the posting I've been doing, I'd say something interesting. Nope. All I've got is that I think I'm starting to cave in where this boy is concerned. Shall I let him be my boyfriend? Nothing says loving like putting your sock into a puddle when your shoe gets stuck in the snow... and spending probably two hours with your foot wrapped in paper towels.

It was an interesting evening.

And yet again, I find that, despite the fact that I went into it tired and not wanting to be there, I ended up having a really good time. So, is it time for me to unbend and try and create chemistry with this boy? At this point I almost feel like I owe it to him to try.

Hmmm...

I'm rather frustrated with things. I don't know why. I'm fairly sure it's because I'm tired. But man... I don't know why I can't say 'no' to things. I wanted to stay home tonight. I wanted to focus on my music and my crafts and planning for the week and everything, but no. There's been between 10 and 16 inches between here and Wisconsin, but I'm still going on a date at 6pm. *bams her head into the desk*

Mom suggested making dinner at home... and I really don't want that. I don't think this is the right thing for me. Why am I still trying? Because everyone has me convinced that I can't find someone nicer than him? Because he calls me when I've been working, to see how my day went? Because everything he does makes people go "aww..." ?  

Yeah. I'm still tired.

Okay, so it's Friday. My stomach finally officially unknotted... yesterday?  Which is a good thing. And I got a letter back from DePaul, telling me I'm free to schedule my grad school audition. VERY exciting, because that was the pre-screening cd that I sent in late.  Yeeeeeeeeeah! I want all three of these schools to fight over me. XD

I taught 36 lessons in three days. Which isn't that impressive, perhaps, in terms of the amount of hours I have to put in, but let me tell you, by the end of last night (think 9pm) I ceased to be able to put together coherent sentences. ^^;; With a new student. Woo, go me.

Ummm... other news. I'm starting rehearsals for Annie tonight. This is the most intense rehearsal schedule we've ever had. And I agreed to go out with J again. I still don't think that we would make a good couple, but it is kinda nice to have someone call me up when I've gotten out of work and want to talk. And he didn't annoy me on the phone.

I feel like there should be something else exciting going on. I've almost finished Bones season 1... it snowed last night, but it looks like it stopped... I'm getting nothing done, and I don't feel guilty. ^_^ 

~*~*~

Haha, started that earlier, and then closed the window. Thank heaven for autosave. Now it is late, and I am still up, which is silly and I will be hating myself in the morning. Finished Bones season 1. And then I wandered over to see the site that my friends mentioned, to read the poems of one of the actors on the show.  When I started watching the show, he wasn't my favorite; when I went back to the beginning and really watched what his character was doing, he quickly became my favorite. Or one of them; I tend to have many favorites. But when my friends pop up and say, "Hey! Did you see his website? Did you read his poems?" I feel like I become fake, to say, "Oh, he's my favorite, and might be even moreso because he writes poetry."  Because, hey, didn't I say that some other actor was my favorite? 

Whatever. I am just weird like that.

Regardless, reading his writing makes me wish I was someone who said things in an interesting and unique way. Things that were interesting or intriguing. But then, maybe it's just like that line from the ep I watched tonight: "I guess I just figure, if I say it loud enough, someone might actually listen." ...but people listen when you say the right things, don't they? The good things? 

I think I'm finally tired. To bed with me!

Don't you love it when someone says something that just drives you up a tree, and you don't want to mention it because it makes you feel catty and mean, but you are really bothered about it, so the thought keeps running through your head all night long, without respite or pause?

Yeah, me too. ><  And there really is no way to explain to someone that just doesn't get it how very disrespected I feel at the moment. Wow.

Did I finally figure out what it is I'm looking for in a guy? It's pretty ridiculous.

I think that, somewhere down the line, I decided that the perfect guy could show me what it was about me that made me special. And it couldn't be something I already knew, it had to be something I didn't recognize. Something that wouldn't make me such an awful person. Something that could make me worth the love that I decided-- in eighth grade-- I obviously wasn't worthy of.

And, to be fair, I am not talking about the love of my family, which I already knew, or of my friends, which I never trusted. I am talking particularly of romantic relationships.

I think that I figured that the man I was supposed to be with was going to tell me I was okay, and recognize the incredible strain I put on myself, that I always said my mother put on me, even when it wasn't true. And then it wouldn't matter who he was, or what he did; he would have given me the one thing that I always thought I needed.

But no one can give you that.  Looking at it rationally, I know that if I can't see the good things in me, how can anyone else see them, and point them out? If I put up walls so that no one can see my failures, and I am sure that someone will go running and screaming the second they see my "dark side", my bad points, my inadequacy... how could I expect someone to intuit something like that?

I get it. I finally get it. And looking my LSE in the face for the first time makes me feel like an awful person, but at least I understand what the problem is now. And I am determined not to let this defeat me. I will find those answers myself. I won't consider the rejections and the doubts and the fears to be an admission of failure.

...Wow. Does anyone else feel like these threads are apocalyptic? ^_^

I am not about to friends' lock this post, nor am I going to put any of this under a cut, because I think I just had the single most incredible realization about my life and I wonder why it took me so long to see it myself.

I have extremely, dangerously low self-esteem.

I am sure it is because my mother has the same, and possibly my father. And they passed it on to me, not because they did not love me or value me, but because they did not, and do not, value themselves.

I wonder how long this has gone on. I'm sure my aunts have the same issues. My uncles. On my mom's side at least. All those "chemical imbalances" may just be an unbroken chain of extremely low self-esteem.

It causes anxiety, depression, general feelings of hopelessness, messiness, procrastination, sloppiness, "bad luck" that can be attributed to being sure that everything is going to go wrong... both sides of my family. This is describing everyone I have ever known and loved.

And why does no one see it? Well, in my family, admitting that I have the problem is admitting that they do. And how horrible and degrading an idea it is. To place so little a sense of worth on one's self, that one cannot see the good things they have for all of the bad? I certainly didn't want to see it. And once someone said it to me, point-blank said it, I thought, yes. That's right. That's how it's always been.

But I know something else about myself, too. I am a determined and strong person. If I am willing to go through my life battling the daily anxieties and depressions, I can overcome this, too. I can be the one who breaks the chain of low self-esteem that has become so ingrained into our personalities that we don't even recognize it.  And part of me is extremely relieved that I finally figured out the cause of the anxiety, and can treat that, rather than the symptoms.

It's the part of me that isn't going numb with fear at the prospect.

So... it took me longer to wash the dishes in the sink than it did for the dishwasher to go through the wash cycle. Fortunately, the drying time put it a little longer than everything else.

It's very very very warm here. Steam was rising off the snow this morning. It was kinda cool looking. ^_^ If you can't tell, I'm a little scattered. I have washed dishes-- and that's about it. But I'm in the mood to do more and that's a good thing. Won't look that in the mouth! 

Going out with people I went to high school with tonight. I always worry that things like this are going to be super uncomfortable, but I'm sure it'll be fine. Right? 

...going to go look up more things about composting. Woo!

I freely admit it. Totally guilty. But y'know, when I feel like everything in life is my fault, and I find enough things to bog myself into the ground with guilt, I don't feel bad about being an escapist. I understand the line between fantasy and reality, and I happily skip to the other side as often as possible.

I'm stalking the journal of a person I found by typing in similar interest keywords, and her blog is very interesting. So I was reading Yuletide treasures, because she posted links to them. I'm leaving them open to read more tomorrow. ^_^

AND, I watched the third Librarian movie, and the Dr. Who Christmas special. And they were both spectacularly fabulous, and I was just smiling and smiling at them. Noah Wyle is absolutely the most adorable, sexy nerd boy I've ever seen. And I wasn't offended by the Vampires, either, because while they tried to pass off the "good" vampire, they didn't do it in a stupid way. And the resolution was satisfying to me, also. It was not a 'holier-than-thou' morality tale. I approved.

The Doctor... what can I say? I will cry lots when he regenerates again. And all I can say is, that poor man... whoever takes over for the Doctor is going to have to be quite a departure, strong enough to take the inevitable criticism, and incredibly fucking brilliant because dammit David Tennant is just so good.  And we've had plenty of time to get attached to him; Christopher Eccleston didn't give us enough of a chance.

*sigh* Well. Escapism accomplished, I'm'na go to bed. Because I'm tired. So there. ^~

This might be my favorite name for the Twilight series.

...Why? Because nothing says loving like a sparkly Vegetarian vampire.

Okay, so I think I might sort of like the guy that I'm dating, and I couldn't be more pissed off about it.

( Welcome to my psyche. Beware of the dancing Rabbits )